Interviewer: Too wanted for the most wanted lists, too dangerous for the media to even dare mention his name, our guest tonight is Mr. Armando Pesquali, speaking through party chat on a video game console to prevent his current location from getting disclosed.
Pesquali: Yes, pepperoni and triple cheese. Oh, and two beers. Mexico City, 24 Habanero Road, room 302. Thank you.
Interviewer: Good evening, Mr. Pesquali. Thank you for sharing with us a few minutes of your time. You must be a pretty busy man.
Pesquali: Good evening, and yes. Of course. Code Ghost (?), the one with the dogs, is releasing tomorrow and I’m training day and night with my associates.
Interviewer: How would you describe your job? Trafficking weapons, top secret military equipment and who knows what else in the very heart of the criminal underworld? I imagine most of our readers would find this routine quite unfamiliar.
Pesquali: It’s nothing much, really. I buy things and sell them back, this guy Limpwrist has an endless supply of men who take care of the logistics themselves. So the business is good, I get to travel often, and… oh, here’s another perk.
Interviewer: Which is…?
Pesquali: Invisibility to airstrikes. Those fuckers always use airstrikes.
Interviewer: (visibly shaken) Let’s talk about something else. Armando Pesquali, the man. Not much is known about you personally. Where are you from? What’s your ethnicity? What about family?
Pesquali: They’re fine, thank you.
Interviewer: I mean, let’s talk about them.
Pesquali: I don’t have a good relationship with my parents, they never agreed with my career choice and wanted me to continue the family business. They just wouldn’t understand I wasn’t interested in drugs. Anyway, even though we don’t talk much, I’m constantly reminded of them, as people keep saying I got my father’s eyes and my mother’s mustache.
Interviewer: And what a lovely mustache it is. Shifting gears for a moment, do you have anything to say about your future plans? Which region will you be terrorizing next with your underground weapon trading shenanigans?
Pesquali: …………
Interviewer: Mr. Pesquali?
Pesquali: Oh, sorry about that, got disconnected. Fucking campers. I think we’d better cut this interview short since my network’s gonna die again at any moment.
Interviewer: I’m sorry to hear that. Thank you for your time.
Pesquali: No problem. Glad I could…. shit, that American kid again!