For today’s update, we’ve managed to secure an exclusive interview with world renowned arms dealer Armando Pesquali, the elusive man Dudebro is tasked to find near the beginning of the game. Due to the criminal’s thick and barely decipherable accent, we cannot guarantee all of the following sentences are reported accurately. In fact, for some of them, we kind of hope they’re not.
Interviewer: Too wanted for the most wanted lists, too dangerous for the media to even dare mention his name, our guest tonight is Mr. Armando Pesquali, speaking through party chat on a video game console to prevent his current location from getting disclosed.
Pesquali: Yes, pepperoni and triple cheese. Oh, and two beers. Mexico City, 24 Habanero Road, room 302. Thank you.
Interviewer: Good evening, Mr. Pesquali. Thank you for sharing with us a few minutes of your time. You must be a pretty busy man.
Pesquali: Good evening, and yes. Of course. Code Ghost (?), the one with the dogs, is releasing tomorrow and I’m training day and night with my associates.
Interviewer: How would you describe your job? Trafficking weapons, top secret military equipment and who knows what else in the very heart of the criminal underworld? I imagine most of our readers would find this routine quite unfamiliar.
Pesquali: It’s nothing much, really. I buy things and sell them back, this guy Limpwrist has an endless supply of men who take care of the logistics themselves. So the business is good, I get to travel often, and… oh, here’s another perk.
Interviewer: Which is…?
Pesquali: Invisibility to airstrikes. Those fuckers always use airstrikes.
Interviewer: (visibly shaken) Let’s talk about something else. Armando Pesquali, the man. Not much is known about you personally. Where are you from? What’s your ethnicity? What about family?
Pesquali: They’re fine, thank you.
Interviewer: I mean, let’s talk about them.
Pesquali: I don’t have a good relationship with my parents, they never agreed with my career choice and wanted me to continue the family business. They just wouldn’t understand I wasn’t interested in drugs. Anyway, even though we don’t talk much, I’m constantly reminded of them, as people keep saying I got my father’s eyes and my mother’s mustache.
Interviewer: And what a lovely mustache it is. Shifting gears for a moment, do you have anything to say about your future plans? Which region will you be terrorizing next with your underground weapon trading shenanigans?
Pesquali: …………
Interviewer: Mr. Pesquali?
Pesquali: Oh, sorry about that, got disconnected. Fucking campers. I think we’d better cut this interview short since my network’s gonna die again at any moment.
Interviewer: I’m sorry to hear that. Thank you for your time.
Pesquali: No problem. Glad I could…. shit, that American kid again!
So there you have it! We couldn’t ask him everything we wanted, but we definitely extracted some relevant (and not so relevant) information.